Sad today but hope is there

It's been over 6 months now since I last worked. And even then it was only fleeting.

I guess reality is starting to sink in for me now. Now that I don't have any medication to blur my world or numb me.

No, it's not as I would like it. I seemed to have established some patterns and behaviours which aren't good. In fact which are past slightly rocking the boat, but which are causing untold grief.

Sometimes I don't know where to begin......where do I begin to make my life better?

The biggest obstacle for me at the moment is actually convincing myself that it is possible to change. That I'm not just going to end up on the scrap heap. A life full of failure and problems. Because that's where I feel like I am now.

Some days I feel hope, and I feel as if I have some insight into what's happening and how to change it. For instance, I finally came to realise that for many years I lived my life from the perspective of a 'victim'. I always blamed someone or something for my problems. Granted, I did take some responsibility for various things that went wrong in my life, but not all it seemed. And I don't think it's possible to make substantial change until I totally stop thinking and acting like a victim. Because I give all my power away when I come from that kind of a perspective.

I wonder if the medication dulls the senses on a continuous basis. So that a person is never really able to face the total reality of their situation. Maybe it's because some people aren't ready or able to face it all. Maybe there's too much to face and it seems to overwelming. I really don't know. I wonder if that's all the medication does though, year after year dulls and numbs. Mucking around with the persons natural body makeup and ability to sort through the problems. And when you are down and vulnerable and broke, and the only option you have is conventional medicine, and because I live in a western country, then it seems to me that my options are very limited. The system only offers conventional treatment, ie the government only funds conventional treatement. If you want to try anything else outside of that, you have to come up with the money yourself. Bit of a catch 22 situation I would say, if you don't come from a rich family or have some kind of medical insurance which covers alternative therapy, you're shit out of luck.

Anyway, this is just a battle for me to have some say over my treatment, and the fact that I don't particularly like the treatment models that that conventional medicine uses. I want to look at alternative treatment options. I am trying to do things which don't cost much. Plus I find I had to have the willingness to go the extra mile. Ie exercise and giving up smoking were two things which I was not open to previously but which I have now integrated into my life. Also yoga is another one which I am learning about and going to weekly classes. Good nutrition is another one which I seem to have a love hate relationship with.......some months I go on health kicks and eat all healthy foods and then according to my mood shifts, I can swing back to eating shit food again. Very up and down.

Anyway, I think I am making progress, but to be honest it all looks very bleak at the moment......maybe because I'm just starting out? Starting to initiate changes? It takes everything I've got to not lose faith.

I am going to make it, I am going to find a good quality of life and I am going to have a job, a flat, friends and be someone capable of having a meaningful relationship with somebody.

I will have those things.

I will not give up.