Hope is all I got.....

I'm beginning to realise that, if I am to pick myself up out of where I am now, that I am going to require huge doses of hope.

That means that I'm going to have to work extra hard on the days when my spirits are down. Extra hard to block out any negative self talk. My 'chatterbox' of a head will start telling me things like.....'you're never going to make it, you've failed so many times in the past what in the world makes you think you've got a shit show in hell of making things any better this time?' and 'it's no use, you'll never be able to change, you might as well just accept it' and constantly going over and over the negative wrap that mental illness gets in general.....if they spent as much time writing about success stories of people who have got well and better, giving out hope, they might find it creates a spin off effect, and in actual fact people start believing that there is hope and that in actual fact they are going to get better.

Instead at the moment, look anything up about mental illness on the internet and you'll be greeted with an overwelming amount of negative press. They'll talk about the problem, illness, bad stuff til the cows come home but very not near enough do they talk about anything positive.

I do believe that if people are not aware enough, and all they read is the depressing and negative stuff about bad prognosis etc, that they will be at risk of believing what they read and therefore creating a self fulfilling prophecy. If they read that there's a bad prognosis for their 'label'/diagnosis, then there's a good chance some of that shit's gonna seep into their subconscious isn't there? There's a good chance they're going to start believing it.

That's where you've got to find your own personal suit of armour. And that's where you've got to go and search for people who are going to be positive about you and who believe in your ability to get well. I believe that is so important.

I believe that there is hope for somebody like me. To be honest I can't afford to think any other way. Yes, there is no doubt that I am not where I'd like to be in life, and that I've had to learn some pretty hard lessons and fall down hard. But.....I believe I am actually getting better, despite all of the chaos.

My mind and my thinking has been severly affected over the years. I mean, I didn't even know about the concept of positive thinking until last year! That means for the majority of my life I've been a negative thinker and totally unaware of it. That's pretty scary. That means I would have built up some pretty sturdy and ingrained ways of thinking.....negatively that is. That means it's going to take some concerted effort on my part to begin to make changes to my old patterns of thinking.

A book I'm reading at the moment, one that was recommended to me a couple of years ago but only now am I ready to read it - 'You can heal your life' by Louise L Hay.....anyway she talks about in this book how when you first begin to committ to making changes to your ways of thinking, that initially your mind is going to totally rebel! It doesn't want to have to change. So in some ways it's actually really good to know that for at least I can be prepared for it.

And yes, I can feel my mind going through that 'rebellion' stuff at the moment, with the constant negative self talk telling me I'm not going to make it etc, etc. Of course it will try to feed me up with all that shit, it doesn't want to have to learn new ways, and it doesn't like change. It doesn't like the status quo being shaken up.

Anyway, I'm working my way through this book at the moment and finding it really good.

I really am determined to make some more solid positive changes.

Last year I gave up cigarette smoking after 17 years. That's a real achievement for me because I struggled to give up for years. That makes me realise that if I can do that, then I can continue to make really good positive changes. Changes that I once believed I would never be able to achieve. So when that thought comes up I just have to remember back to giving up smoking - for years I never believed I would be able to give up, but I did! So these things that may seem impossible, in actual fact are not. They are quite achieveable. Never say never!

Sad today but hope is there

It's been over 6 months now since I last worked. And even then it was only fleeting.

I guess reality is starting to sink in for me now. Now that I don't have any medication to blur my world or numb me.

No, it's not as I would like it. I seemed to have established some patterns and behaviours which aren't good. In fact which are past slightly rocking the boat, but which are causing untold grief.

Sometimes I don't know where to begin......where do I begin to make my life better?

The biggest obstacle for me at the moment is actually convincing myself that it is possible to change. That I'm not just going to end up on the scrap heap. A life full of failure and problems. Because that's where I feel like I am now.

Some days I feel hope, and I feel as if I have some insight into what's happening and how to change it. For instance, I finally came to realise that for many years I lived my life from the perspective of a 'victim'. I always blamed someone or something for my problems. Granted, I did take some responsibility for various things that went wrong in my life, but not all it seemed. And I don't think it's possible to make substantial change until I totally stop thinking and acting like a victim. Because I give all my power away when I come from that kind of a perspective.

I wonder if the medication dulls the senses on a continuous basis. So that a person is never really able to face the total reality of their situation. Maybe it's because some people aren't ready or able to face it all. Maybe there's too much to face and it seems to overwelming. I really don't know. I wonder if that's all the medication does though, year after year dulls and numbs. Mucking around with the persons natural body makeup and ability to sort through the problems. And when you are down and vulnerable and broke, and the only option you have is conventional medicine, and because I live in a western country, then it seems to me that my options are very limited. The system only offers conventional treatment, ie the government only funds conventional treatement. If you want to try anything else outside of that, you have to come up with the money yourself. Bit of a catch 22 situation I would say, if you don't come from a rich family or have some kind of medical insurance which covers alternative therapy, you're shit out of luck.

Anyway, this is just a battle for me to have some say over my treatment, and the fact that I don't particularly like the treatment models that that conventional medicine uses. I want to look at alternative treatment options. I am trying to do things which don't cost much. Plus I find I had to have the willingness to go the extra mile. Ie exercise and giving up smoking were two things which I was not open to previously but which I have now integrated into my life. Also yoga is another one which I am learning about and going to weekly classes. Good nutrition is another one which I seem to have a love hate relationship with.......some months I go on health kicks and eat all healthy foods and then according to my mood shifts, I can swing back to eating shit food again. Very up and down.

Anyway, I think I am making progress, but to be honest it all looks very bleak at the moment......maybe because I'm just starting out? Starting to initiate changes? It takes everything I've got to not lose faith.

I am going to make it, I am going to find a good quality of life and I am going to have a job, a flat, friends and be someone capable of having a meaningful relationship with somebody.

I will have those things.

I will not give up.