not so alone

I've struggled with life, violent mood swings, addictions you name it for the past decade. I really don't want to go into it at the moment as I really don't know where to start!

I have a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder and have been told I fit the bill for BPD as well by a psychologist. Anyway, I shyed away from yet another 'label' so I haven't really looked much into BPD but as time goes on I can see that my life is a classic text book case.

I'm someone who is on a relentless crusade to find peace, stability and contentment, some semblance of a normal life, whatever that is. But at times it just seems hard, real hard. I get really lonely (part and parcel of the disorder) as I have a huge difficulty forming friendships, and the very few that I do manage to form, I have a very hard time maintaining them. So therefore I find myself walking this path alone for much of the time.

I have a cat who is such a wonderful companion. I also immerse myself in art whenever I can climb out of the inertia long enough. I'm an avid reader of self help books, I'm always looking for a spiritual path to connect with......

I've been to hell and back, battled with alcohol, food addictions, my life has been riddled with problems. For the past three years I have not been able to hold a steady job, before that I worked full time for the 10 years previous so that's been a huge blow to deal with.

Along with that, I hit a crisis 2 years ago and because I couldn't work I had to leave my independance behind and move in with my Dad. Although it has been a huge help, I now am feeling shame and embarrassment that I am 32 years old and unable to hold a job and am not out living in a flatting situation. I feel terrible that I'm dependant on my parent. So I am working on taking steps to reclaim my independance. Somehow in order to do that I am going to have to find a full time job, one which I can hold down. I'm really nervous about that since the last 3 jobs I've had haven't lasted any longer than 3 months. You really start losing faith in yourself when that kind of thing keeps happening. However, I have no idea how else I am going to be able to regain my independance, and sense of pride that comes with being able to support yourself, if I don't find a full time job that I can stick at.

I've began to see a counsellor.....again. I am hoping she will be able to support me as I go through the motions of getting back out on my own two feet again. It's scary. I'm scared my 'disorder' will rear it's ugly head again and try to take me out.

On the positive side, I have managed, in spite of this crap, made some positive changes to my health and lifestyle this year. After 17 years of smoking cigarettes, by nothing short of a miracle, became a non smoker 4 months ago! Any ex smoker will no that giving up is no mean feat. At least on the days when I feel down, at least I can say I kicked that nasty habit right up the backside.

Leading on from that I have made a concerted effort to pay more attention to my diet, and eat more fruit and vegetables. This is not easy as for some reason it doesn't come naturally. I have to consciously think about it everyday or else I will forget to eat them. This is an ongoing thing for me, I have alot of trouble with food, have been a binge eater in the past so it's an area of work in progress.

I've also joined a gym, and one month later I'm still going so that's a start at least! I am actually enjoying it, and enjoy the positive atmosphere of people doing something good for themselves. I have been lazy in the past, and really couldn't be bothered exercising for so long. Although I have been very active in the past, i go through phases. Back in 2001 I trained for a 28km race which I completed and played squash so it's not like I've always been a couch potato. Just that sometimes I get so down and out depressed I can't drag my ass out the front door.

So I'm making the most of going to the gym, at least it's another good step in the right direction.

My main things that are hard to cope with at the moment would be the shame that I carry for not working and not living independantly, and also loneliness for friends and a partner.

So when I found this collective blog section on MH sanctuary I was really happy, because at least there are other people out there like me, who are going through similar trials and tribulations, at least we dont' have to feel totally alone and maybe can get find some solace in being able to read how other people are doing.

So if anyone is reading this......welcome.

I hope to use this blog as somewhere I can be honest, pour my heart out when the pain gets too much, but also share about any good and positive things that come into my life.

As sad and depressed as I can find myself getting at times, I still have some hope, I hope I don't ever lose that. Hope for a bright future, hope for a life worth living, hope for some peace and hope for positive change.

Peace

Not looking forward to Christmas

This is going to sound like a totally depressing post, but I just need somewhere to write and get it out of my head.

The depression has been slowely making it's presence felt once again in my life. I have had constant bouts of it for as far back as I can remember.

I first started noticing it back in October, and ever since then it just seems to have become more pervasive.

I can't stand the depression, not only does it take away my motivation to do physical activity, it also slows my thinking down to snails pace. Everything seems grey, the books I normally devour no longer interest me in the slightest. It feels like everything slows down and nothing really has any zing to it anymore.

Plus it feels like a much more laborious struggle to control the negative thinking. Some days I just feel like nothing.

I haven't been able to hold a steady job down for almost three years now. In that time I have tried to go back to work on two occasions, but had to leave each job after only 3 months due to stress. Needless to say the whole package deal that comes with not working and dealing with depression is beginning to take it's toll.

I know that thinking positively is the best way to be. But somedays I just can't get on that wavelength. I can't even come close to it.

It's coming up to Christmas which is making it worse since I have no money to buy Christmas presents or even for any festivities. I just want to hide away this Christmas, I don't want to get involved in any family get togethers. Sounds really sad I know but that's just how I feel.

I have been trying to get a job for the past couple of months but due to my patchy history I have had no luck trying.

I'm so lost, sometimes I feel like it's never going to get any better. I feel like it is such a struggle to keep my head above water.

All sounds very hard luck, poor me, tragic and it probably is if I could see it from another perspective. It's just no fun coming up to this time of year with no money and no job, no close group of friends and no plans for any christmas get togethers.

I can't go on living like this any longer!! I am so sick of feeling so isolated and lonely. I just want to live.